ZEUS (commentator 1): And so here we have Achilles and his
men and they’re just having a cheeky drive around the mound there, and, oh, there’s the body of Hector
HERA (commentator 2): Looks a bit dusty there really: his
hair definitely needs some work to get that blood out.
ZEUS: Oooooh and there they go, 12 whole Trojans, and wow
Achilles has just thrown Hector down real hard, another one bites the dust as
they say.
HERA: Here it comes…here it comes guys…PLOT TWIST. BAM it’s
the ghost of Patroclus. Betcha didn’t see that one coming, pulled a sneaky on
ya there!
ZEUS: (imitates Patroclus) ‘Oh, Achilles, you’ve been such a
good -friend- to, me but you really
need to bury me so I can yeet outta here, also we should be buried together
because we’re such good -friends-,
thanks -friend-.
HERA: Awh, they were such good -friends-.
ZEUS: Yeah their -friendship-
was so strong.
HERA: And nowwww it is time to burn that body. Here we go
lads: that’s a big ol’ fire right there, big thanks go out to the winds, and a
heck tonne of animals, noice.
ZEUS: Okay now we’re getting to the good bit. That’s right: what you’ve all been waiting for, it’s the FUUUUUNERAL GAMES! Everybody, go grab
your popcorn and drinks and take a seat because this is gonna be good.
HERA: First up, it’s a classic, but it’s a good ‘un, the
chariot race! Step on down, Eumelus, Antilochus, Menelaus, aaaaannd Diomedes.
ZEUS: Okay and they’re off, going at quite some pace and OH
OH OHHHHHH Apollo sabotages Diomedes by stealing his whip.
HERA: BUT THERE’S ANOTHER PLOT TWIST! Athene has stepped
onto the field and completely ruined Eumelus right here: welp he’s a goner!
ZEUS: And we have a WINNEERRRRR! It’s Diomedes, my main man, coming in a strong first place, followed by Antilochus, Menelaus and lastly, Eumelus, poor guy.
HERA: Quick interlude as Achilles gives Nestor a prize just
for being old and awesome.
ZEUS: He deserves it to be honest.
HERA: Boxing now, Epeios stepping forward as we speak,
making a pretty bold statement there that no one can beat him.
ZEUS: Welp, he was right. Euryalus is out cold on the floor
there so…time for the next event!
HERA: WRESTLING! My
favourite boi Odysseus is gonna win this one so good.
ZEUS: And yet again m’dear you could not be more wrong!
Because it is a draw!
HERA: (raises eyebrow)…
ZEUS: Okayyyyy onto the footrace now, off they go with Ajax in the lead.
HERA: AND HE HAD SLIPPED…INTO…A COW PAT, BIG OOF.
ZEUS: Yup, that one might actually be bigger than the
rubbish you talk 😊
HERA: And Diomedes goes ahead and wins the spear duel
because he and Achilles are besties.
ZEUS: Well at least Achilles isn’t being a moody teen
anymore amirite?
HERA: Not often. So moving on to the archery, and Teucros
hasn’t prayed so he’s gonna fail for sure…yep, look at that, I was right, as
usual.
ZEUS: And Agamemnon wins the spear throwing with quite
literally no contest…huh….weird…bit of a suck up move, Achilles, tbh.
HERA: And that concludes these games. What have we learnt
today Zeus?
ZEUS: Well Achilles is coming to terms with the loss of his
-friend-, our marriage is still a
mess, and
the Greeks seem to be coming together again. What a great day it has
been over in the Achaean camp!
HERA: Tune in next time as we look at the death of Hector!
FL
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